Hot 100 Review: WAP by Cardi B (feat. Megan Three Stallion)

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Doing this (job???) hobby, I often hear songs that a clearly not for me, and boy howdy does this song clear that hurdle by a country mile. That doesn’t make it a bad song. On the contrary. I think it’s kind of fun, but grating to listen to more than once, maybe twice. There, look, review done. We can all cut out early!

Unfortunately I can’t do that because I want these to be of some substance, and I didn’t even go into what the song is about and why it’s not for me. The answer to which is easy to figure out when I say that WAP is an acronym for (sorry, this is not child friendly, cause I know I have all those sub 18 year old…) Wet Ass Pussy… okay maybe it’s not obvious. But when I describe the fact it’s a female focused sex jam about getting what you want in bed, that might clear it up since I am not a woman.

This might be a bit too much to share, but I like girl-centered sex jams (not the word I wanted to use, but here we are…). One of my favorite songs is “Take Me on the Floor” by the Veronicas. It has such a dirty in the best way vibes. It just feels like a woman knowing what they want and trying to get it. That’s attractive. This song, WAP, is that. It’s all about woman getting what they want sexually. It just does not hit me the same way, and I think it’s the details.

WAP, despite being kind of fun with some of the clever, but also not, rhymes and turns of phrase, feels vapid and selfish. It reminds me of the song (I only know the chorus so maybe that’s not the name) “Make his pockets hurt.” It feels like the song totally doesn’t understand the point of being in a relationship with someone. It’s glorifying the shallow, materialistic qualities of what makes relationships work, and neglects the emotional. To clarify: if someone just wants to hook up, that’s cool. Go them! But, and as the song says, if you want to marry them and all you have in common is doing sex good, and “Beat it up n[ot gonna say that word], catch a charge,” can’t be healthy. Also, if you want some to go so hard he has to get arrested for what he’s doing… it might be bad.

Actually, what both amuses me and utterly terrifies me as someone who thinks words mean thing, some of the phrases they have are incredibly questionable. So, as an exercise in thinking out the implications of what these lines mean, we’ll dissect them.

The first one: “Wet-ass pussy, make his pullout game weak (ah),” means you want to get pregnant. That’s fine, that’s cool. But when “pull out game” is used as a phrase that’s often in reference to not wearing protection, and not wanting kids. So, either she doesn’t understand the colloquial meaning of that phrase, or doesn’t mind getting knocked up.

Second: “… make me scream, Out in public, make a scene,” is odd because it’s clear they never saw the episode of Orange is the New Black where a couple is caught having sex on the beach and the guy ends up having to register as a sex offender and lose his livelihood… because that can happen, and I doubt Cardi would want that, though maybe she is just that selfish about sex.

Another duo is: “He bought a phone just for pictures of this [WAP]… Pay my tuition just to kiss me on this [WAP]…” These two lines aren’t nearly as tone deaf as the previous, but are utterly ridiculous. Buying a whole new phone is tough enough. I mean even if it’s the phone alone that is around $500+ if it’s brand new, and that’s just for pictures of the WAP with nothing else. The tuition is crazier because that’s tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars just to kiss it. At that point someone is clearly being played, or the guy is being stringed along with hopes of sex. The latter means that Megan is the bad one in that scenario because she’s abusing someone’s affection for them.

The final line that gets me is: “I want you to touch that lil dangly thing that swing in the back of my throat,” mostly because it’s called the uvula. Just Google it. It’s that easy (also why are there so many rocks shattering my house made of glass).

The video is stylistically on point. It features Cardi and Megan owning what I can best describe as a brothel-mansion with each room being themed and the video cutting to each room and watching girls dance. It works for what the song is, flashy, gaudy, and utterly ridiculous. However the mise-en-scene isn’t the most ridiculous part of the song. No… it’s all the edits to make it both radio and YouTube safe. The best is changing WAP to WAG, Wet and Gushy. Which is just the best. It is far, far funnier and more descriptive with just the change of that one word. Along with that it also edits some of the more graphic language out. I don’t know if that makes it more radio friendly, just less sexually graphic.

Despite my being a pedantic over the word choices I still think the song is kind of fun. Its terse flow style feels like those really tight Anthony Jeslenik jokes that are only two lines. The difference is that those are usually much smarter than refereeing to WAP as mac and cheese, and they also aren’t premade PMVs.

I’m cleaning house and selling some media. If you would like to buy comics, manga, or cards I owned and used follow this link: say you’re a reader and I’ll be happy to discount any item for you!

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